The Grey Area

When it comes to socializing I seem to do pretty OK most days. I’m great at getting to know people and making friends. I’m a bit of a talkaholic so it’s not often that I run out of things to say. However, there’s something about the way I socialize that’s a little off. It’s not the way I treat people, but the way I categorize them in my head.

14699327323_d5069a7ab6_oImage by Florida Memory via Flickr.

I have a tendency to see relationships in black and white. This person is my friend, this person in my enemy, I like this person, I’m cool with that person…I leave no room for any grey area. Unfortunately for me, the reality is humans are nothing but grey area.

So, what do I do when someone I know escapes from their neat little category? What happens when relationships eventually (and inevitably) evolve?

I panic.

I get anxious and queasy and I panic. All I want to do is climb into my big comfy bed, pull the covers tightly over my head, and never come out. I want to blast my favorite songs in my ear buds until I can’t think about the sudden odd turn of events in my social life.

I’ve always been known for being blunt with people about how I feel about them and for the longest time I thought it was because I was gutsy and didn’t care about what other people think of me or my feelings. Now I’m starting to think I’m upfront about my feelings because I sincerely don’t know how to deal with the grey area.

The level of my reaction does depend on how serious the situation is. When a relationship transition from acquaintance to friend I tend to hit bumps in the road but I canstill brush it off for the most part. I may get a little antsy but I can still pull myself together at the end of the day. It’s really when my acquaintances and friendships start to develop romantic elements when I start to really lose my shit.

Fondness isn’t a feeling I handle well. Causal fondness of friends is fine and dandy but anything more serious than that is completely out of my league. Whether I start to feel fond for someone or the other way around I legitimately just want to hurl. Even if both parties are fond of each other! It doesn’t matter! I still want to run away.

Things can get a bit odd in the grey area, so I’m always quick to address the elephant in the room. Is this a bad thing? I mean, it works to a certain extent but it doesn’t help me learn how to act natural in these circumstances. I always believe there is room to grow, but this will be quite a feat. Crawling into bed always seems so much nicer!

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